Maybe I Want to be Alone

I'm always stuck on trying to be perfect. I had this awakening in my dating life happen surrounding feminine and masculine energy. Turns out... I can't approach dating as I do my career and wow has my career been amazing. I'd like to side track for a moment.

I've just started a new position with a new company and the perks thus far are beyond amazing. I'm reminded of the time I wrote out what my ideal workplace would look like. (I really want to find that journal entry!) And how much it feels like my career is aligning to this. My drive is very close, co-workers are collaborative and energetic, open workspaces, great pay, heck free lunch! I'm so amazed and grateful. The job I had before this was literally in preparation for this role. It amazes me to think back on. I put it out to God and the Universe what amount of money I wanted to making within 2 years and the offer came in with that EXACT amount, dopest feeling ever.

As I focus on all that positive energy it's helping to move me away from my original point but back to it.

Idk if I'll ever get dating right. Even with the tools I have now and the lessons to lean back, it's like I try these efforts with this guy but still find myself beating myself up when I can't get it right. Then I think to myself I want a new guy but the main driver is to test if I can be perfect for the next one.

I have no fucking clue how to relax around a guy I'm interested in. I think I've bought into the idea that I'll be alone because I've been given strategies of what to do with the masculine - anxious, overanalyzing, doing energy and that's to turn and put it back on to me to use it productively yet I choose to sit in my over analysis, crying, frustrated.

But damnit he stays on my mind and it's like I'm caught up in the masculine energy right now. I feel like this is how I am though, why have I subscribed to the negative parts of myself as being who I am authentically? Why does it feel uncomfortable being told I am deserving of a man treating me like a prize. Why tfcuk is that so uncomfortable?

It's like I feel like I HAVE to work for a relationship - that being in my feminine energy is too fcuking passive. But damnit...what I have been doing has not been working. And I want to tell him to never contact me again because I feel like he will never contact me again anyway.

A Little Assessment

What I like about this guy

1.       His patience – he never shouts and is slow to anger very much opposite of me

2.       He stays around. He could classify me as crazy and move on, but he hasn’t.

3.       His optimism – He attempts to see the positive in anything

Frustrations

1.       He’s non-verbal. I will blatantly tell him how to fix an issue and he will change the subject

2.       He doesn’t plan in advance. He’ll plan for a day but not give me specifics until the day of

3.       He’s non-verbal, did I say he’s non-verbal? He missed the point when I explain my issue with him

What I Wish

1.       He would plan and communicate to me days in advance instead of the day of

2.      He would articulate his feelings verbally

Things I Need to Improve

1.       Giving him space, I feel like I don’t give him enough space to be decisive and want him to work according to my timeline

2.       The fear that he doesn’t really like me, he’ll get fed up with my tantrums and leave. Even if that does happen, my best chance at preventing it is to stop the blow ups. I have to address two parts:

  • Constantly looking for evidence that he doesn’t feel the same and instead look for the opposite
  • Ask why I’m so afraid he won’t like me

3.       My negative attitude. I’m fighting this bully in my head that says I’m undeserving, causing me to create a self-fulfilling prophecy as I lash out

A sip of Remy

I'm afraid of what's happening.  It's Sunday night and all weekend long I haven't been able to shake a bit of a confrontation with a co-worker last week. Maybe confrontation is too strong of a word. Really what happened is he was being a control freak and overstepping his boundaries into my role and I had to set him straight. 

Last week was just overwhelming in general. Earlier in the week we had two all day workshops and they were so mentally exhausting I debated taking a vacation day following. And so that Wednesday was already tough enough and that interaction  was not what I needed. 

But really what I'm afraid of is that this stress is following me out of the office and into my home. In the past I've been really good about compartmentalizing my life. In this case, work was work. I only thought about, spoke about, stressed about work when I was at work. 

If I wasn't being paid for the work, I wouldn't even think about it. But lately this is the 3rd time the stress has followed me home and it's irking me even more because I really do not want to morph into my co-workers. There are people who you can tell this is their life by how stressed they get. 

Truth be told. It's never that serious. I'm not saving lives so what I'm doing isn't to cause that much stress. What isn't done today can get done tomorrow. 

But I still feel it within me, the stress of my next interaction and the fear that as I grow into my 30s, I'm losing sight of the vitality, the liveliness I had not too long ago.

Has my life become that fcuking boring that this type of shit gets underneath my skin?! 

It can't be time for another life crisis. 

I think I deserve at least another 2 years, let me hit 30 before I see the life I'm shifting into.

Now let me take a sip of Remy to calm my nerves.