Ignored

Probably the worst thing you can do in terms of communication with me is to ignore me. Ignoring me says you don't give a shit about what I have to say and you may just not give a shit about me. 

I went to an event last weekend. I invited this guy I've known. The day before he gives me a heads up that he'll be late. The event comes and goes, no word. I reach out to him. Dead air silence. Again I shoot off a text, something sly and sarcastic, nothing. 

I think back to all the times I've been ignored. Heck to the times I've been blocked without warning, without even a slight smoke signal to alert me that hey something is going on.

Now I know it's really not THAT big of a deal. But it's like the person ignoring gets the power. It's like this person gets a chance to see how I will react. 

Now don't get me wrong. I've been in this place many a times before. So I know fully what not to do...and I've still done it...again...just not in this moment. 

Ideally, I'd step back from the situation to understand why I want this person to communicate with me and what would happen if worst case they didn't.

And when I ask myself these questions, in this scenario, with this particular person, it comes to what he represents to me. He's the guy I could never have. The guy who in high school wouldn't look my way. The guy who in college didn't desire me. He embodies a trigger of full blown insecurity within me. When I step away and have 0 expectations from him, I'm good, great actually, no anxiety. But when I'm right up on him, when I'm sitting with my feelings, I start having expectations and I crumble.

At this point it's about frontin' as if I'm what I was before the feelings.

So I shot him off one last text saying I know what this is, and I know you'll be texting me at 1am next year.

More work to do.

Processing

I’ve never quite mastered this whole I like you but you don’t like me so I should let go thing. I’m currently interested in a guy who doesn’t reciprocate my affections and while my usual coping strategy is to avoid that person altogether, it’s a little more challenging when you’re in the same work group social circle. It creates this unhealthy dynamic where I’m constantly holding my breath around the other person just waiting to hear news of them being with someone else and even if they don’t there’s this little voice saying “what about me? Can’t you see how much we have in common?” Of course, I never say these things aloud to the person and when speaking with friends the conversation is more so about how I can’t just seem to let it go.

I was deep in my feelings after listening to Esther Perel’s TED Talk about infidelity and that even in happy relationships, people have affairs and even in open relationships (the assumption being that this would eradicate cheating), people will have affairs. The idea that we desire that which we cannot have just based on the premise that it is something we cannot have, not even that it’s all the special it’s understanding and unnerving all at once. 

That you could be everything and more to your partner – that actually you can’t. You can’t be something they have and be something they desire because they can’t have you. It’s a contradiction. On the one, hand I was sobbing, I still am a bit inside. Because hearing this reiterates the fact that I have little to no control over my partner’s actions. Which I think I always knew but it’s more personal when we’re talking about infidelity. Infidelity as she says, we take personal. We think it’s about us if we’re the person to be cheated on when most times (I believe she said most) it isn’t.

I have, on the surface, acknowledged that no one can be your everything. I don’t be believe in the sentiment that your partner should complete you. Instead I think they should complement you. But it seems the very thing that creates the relationship cannot maintain it.

What I gather from this is that we will always have desires for things and people we cannot have. It just is what it is and in this case I jump from being frustrated that this guy doesn’t want me to being relieved that if he did, I may not be enough any way and have to deal with that pain. I am just exhausted wrestling with this shit. I was reminded why I “took a break” from dating.

Can I even really say I took a break when it’s not like there were men barking up my door that I had to turn away in the first place?

Can I truly say I’m celibate when I don’t have prospects anyway??

Am I just making this shit up to sound in control when the truth is I haven’t had a date in over a year maybe more and each time I do like a guy  he either doesn’t like me back or if he does I get caught in a web of my insecurities.

It’s just all exhausting. I try my best to tackle this logically…to tackle this emotionally but I’m just not sure in this moment of what else to do. I guess I’m still processing.

This Couch is Too Small

DAMNNN GINA!!! It's been a minute..almost forgot my login information. I'm tired. Yesterday that bitch Anxiety came by for a visit. I know, I know my anger won'r help her go away any sooner. I should embrace her and learn from her right? It's just hard when you feel like it was something so small that triggered it.

For me it was hosting my housewarming. Somewhere the nervousness turned into anxiety and the feeling of throwing up and crying on a dime wouldn't leave me alone. I'm still trying to understand how such social situations could be a trigger for me. I know growing up I would feel similarly when hosting parties but didn't have a word describe it. The point to note is that when I attend parties, I don't feel anxiety afterwards only when I host. So I'm exploring that.

I had a situation today at work. Long story short it was a "feedback" on my performance. I wanted to cuss the person out. I was just irritated that here it was the 2nd time this person went to a manager instead of me directly. 

And then this past Sunday I was reminded of my feelings for a guy. I'm the type that if a guy doesn't reciprocate my feelings, I just want him out of my life. It's no bad blood, I just have no use for further interaction. Hm maybe that's a bitter pill I can't swallow?

But in this case other politics are involved, it's not that serious so I won't go into detail but basically it would look foolish for me to invite his friends out and purposely be like oh yea he can't go. Why they would ask? Because he doesn't like me back. It's childish. It would be stupid. So then I'm like okay feelings go away but it doesn't work that way.

So I have Anxiety on my left and Feelings on my right. Man this couch getting crowded. I have started seeking solace in a old flame. Bad idea. I know. I have a habit of disguising my desire for a true connection and intimacy with just wanting to chill well because the former is harder to find and requires risking getting hurt.

I don't know what I need. I just had a two week amazing vacation in Greece a month ago. Maybe I need a huge shift. I need some type of change because these same conversations are getting old. And then I beat myself up for saying that as if I'm above repeated experiences. Obviously not if the pattern keeps repeating. *sigh*

I just had a long day yesterday and ending my day today with that feedback was the last thing I needed. I just feel like I've been knocked down. But I have no time to crumble. I have to be up way too early tomorrow to facilitate this course. 

I have to keep going and at the same time acknowledge what I'm going thru.