What Made Him So Deserving?

Okay, I think I can say I've processed it. It no longer pains me to talk about. This guy came to visit me, well I thought to visit me but it turns out it was to use me in a sense. Initially after everything unfolded I just wanted to slap myself. My inner critic asked me how could I be so stupid, so naïve? How didn't I see this coming?

So ole dude came to visit, here I was getting my home ready, buying stuff, you'd think things were going somewhere with this guy the way I was trying to make him comfortable in my home. And now looking back, it's fcuk that. The priority is for me to be comfortable my own home because it's MY home.

The weekend starts off light, fun and casual, just as anticipated. Then as things got physical between he and I, my logic fell to the wayside, emotions took over and I started having expectations that weren't present at the start of the weekend. He came in on Thursday and by the time Saturday evening hit, I was exhausted, in tears, having lost some of my dignity.

We went to an event, him, his friend, me and my friend. And what I thought would be bonding time between he and I turned into him and his friend paired off most likely pursuing other women while I tried to keep calm with my friend. It was just mess and I'm not going into much detail because I come out looking like a fool in the end.

What gets me the most is how could I let such a foul person into my home? That is supposed to be my sanctuary and I damn sure wasn't acting like it by not thinking much about his intentions staying at my home with me. It's just a lesson I feel like I've learned before with a different character - this guy being the most disregarding person I've experienced. At times, I felt he didn't see me as a person with emotions but just something convenient.

Gotta watch out for these dudes who have never been to LA. I forget how fascinated some people are with this city because I'm born and raised here. And unfortunately in this situation I overlooked that detail within him.

I moved through the phases of anxiety and sadness. Spoke with my therapist. Listened to countless episodes of The Baggage Reclaim podcast specifically the Why Did We Break Up episodes so I could feel less shitty about the decisions I had made. And the last thing that closed things for me was a reminder from Crissle on The Read (another podcast I enjoy!), that not everyone is deserving of what you have to offer and you have to regard people with the same treatment they regard you with. In this case, I suspect had I came to visit this guy, he wouldn't have done half the courtesies I granted him. He wouldn't think twice about certain things.

Which made me wonder, why did I give someone a privilege who hadn't earned it?? Why in the hell did I allow someone who is nothing to have any of my time or energy? Two precious things given and taken for granted.

At this point, I take full responsibility for my mistakes, not excusing him of his behavior but you know what, one of my goals this year was to clear away my emotional unavailability. So I suspect that by interacting with someone so emotionally unavailable this one instance is going to help expose the very same emotional unavailability within myself that drew me to this person in the first place.

It hasn't been a pretty unfolding of the lessons from this situation. A key take away has been to establish boundaries. The casual flings, maybe I'm not equipped for them or I need to adjust my expectations such that I don't put so much effort into them. Mm to be honest casual flings have been a way for me to avoid commitment and avoid getting hurt but the hurt inevitably comes and then I beat myself up for being affected by someone who is a speck in my life journey.

I know I'm making progress though and I think this experience was the final straw for me in terms of choosing emotionally unavailable men. It's an ongoing process and I may mess up again a time or two but the beauty in these emotionally painful situations is that it causes me to really appreciate those who do care for me.

Open or Closed Relationship?

Recently I stumbled across a video on YouTube by the sex and relationship therapist Shan Boodram where she and her partner spoke openly about their open relationship. Initially, I saw the title and refused to watch. What I had heard about open relationships was limited and I immediately rejected wanting to know more about it.

But curiosity got the best of me and I clicked the video. I sat with the discomfort and rejection I felt. On the one hand I thought, oh so this is going to be the new norm to allow people to have their cake and eat it too??? This is just allowing a man to do as he pleases! But also, I thought about how we as humans are always evolving, who we were even 5 years ago can be drastically different than who we are today. So maybe an open relationship acknowledges that, by allowing us to fully enjoy the present committed to someone now and understanding those same two people may grow apart.

Shan and her partner's questioned who they would be to stand in the way of each other's life experiences. That by having an open relationship, it allows them to get the most out of life.

This resonated with me. And so I questioned if an open relationship was for me. I spoke with friends asking for their thoughts.

Most said they would be too possessive. Which led me to think why do think it's okay to be possessive in romantic relationships? If you feel the need to be possessive of your partner is that a biological response where in who you mate with you automatically have a sort of "marked territory" attitude or one of insecurity?

I looked at how an open relationship could be conducive to my life. After all, the idea of a lifetime commitment to anyone still leaves me with discomfort. Like, how will I know if in 10 years I still want to wake up to you?

I don't believe in saying "I'll always love you." Because honestly, I don't know if I will. I can say I will always strive to be honest in my feelings with you. That feels about right.

I questioned and questioned and found that my questioning came from a place of trying to understand what makes men stray.

I found that open or closed relationship, if a partner wants to cheat, they will.

In an open relationship, I'd be fully aware if my partner was romantically involved with others. But why would I want my partner to explore that? It's like, with friends, you can't get jealous if they gain other friends. So why do we become jealous when our lover has another lover? I know it's different but how exactly?

I'm resolving that it's not about not allowing my partner to be with others, it's that if my partner wants to be with others, they can't be with me.

On the other side of things, I think an open relationship is enticing because if partners are allowed to explore other people then I would think they're less likely to leave their primary partner. What is taboo and off limits drives us. Sometimes we do things simply because of the rush we get knowing we're not supposed to. So if a partner decides to explore someone else, maybe it'll be a more honest exploration such that it will be less enticing since it's allowed.

For me, a closed monogamous relationship is what I think would work best. But even more important than that label is honesty. I am aware that my partner will have desires outside of myself, that is human nature and I'd hate to be a in a situation where you stand me next to another woman and I'm left. But what's worse is if my partner would not give me the respect to be honest where our issues are first, try and resolve them and close out our relationship before starting another.

I can't control anyone but me. And through this topic exploration, it's solidified how important open, honest communication and trust is for me to have a thriving relationship. I don't expect my partner to promise me forever. But I do expect for him to be open and honest if he no longer sees a future with me regardless if our relationship is open or closed