The Morning After

I posted a video titled “The Morning After,” where I discussed the effects of having sex outside of a relationship and the emotional residue that is left the morning after. I reflected about going through the cycle of first feeling ashamed, shunning my emotions and finally asking myself why I even engaged in the behavior in the first place.

Before I filmed the video however, I struggled with how I wanted to tell my story. I always strive to expose myself a bit to help others feel okay doing the same. I believe that showing vulnerability is the way to connecting with others and if there’s nothing else I want my viewers to take away from my content, it’s just that – connection.

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Endurance and Letting Go

Last week was a week of endurance and letting go. Whether it was pushing through back to back bootcamps, answering behavioral interview questions (who doesn't love these?!), or dancing for 4 hours straight, endurance and letting go was the motto. I was reminded of times when I would get so caught up in my mind that I would run into a mental block and breakdown. But how would it look to be on the set of a video shoot and breaking down because I kept forgetting one step?

How would it look in my interview if I were to get up and walk out when I failed to come up with an answer to their question?

And then there was the construction happening in my apartment. Anyone who has had work done in their home can relate to feeling out of control and uneasy. Here I was, walking into my place, seeing my items in disarray,  and ultimately drowning in exhaustion.

I had to 'save face' as some would say and hold it all together, wishing I had a moment to just shout.

I've talked about creating a space where you can be emotionally naked.

But what happens when you can't get to that space when needed? What happens when your emotions are about to bubble over?

Validating your emotions and having a place of release doesn't necessarily have to be this segmented part of our lives.

While I do believe that creating separate but functional spaces such as a home gym used only for working out or a home office used only for work can be helpful in focusing, sometimes it's just not realistic for what we may need at a specific time.

Sometimes we need that place of emotional safety to be a mentality rather than a physical space.

So, in my interview, during the photo shoot, and while planking in my workout class, I let go.

I pushed myself until there was nothing left, keeping in mind that whatever happens, I'll be fine.

I switched my perspective from "oh no, oh no, what happens if," to "let's adjust to what's happening now".

Too many times we're caught up in what is happening next that we don't allow ourselves to be the best we can in the present moment.

As Eckhart Tolle has sad, "be in the Now, the future will take care of itself. Whatever tools or knowledge you need will always be available in the Now. Not in the past, not in the future, Now."

I took that with me and walked of the set whipping my cornrows over my shoulder.

Guess Who's Back??

Welp, I’m back. I just felt like this is where I left my voice. I created a new blog and the initial sense of freedom of expression came to a screeching halt when I felt like I had to pull back on the personal stories and write my posts in a way that was unnatural for me. Growing up, I never would call myself a writer. I felt like, I understood math, I liked how there was one right answer, no grey area. Whereas English class, was a vast array of colors and I never seemed to be able to find the words to say what I wanted.

Now that the blogging world is so huge and there has become less of need to have correct punctuation and more of an emphasis on what is being said, I feel more free to express myself.

I initially left this blog, moving on with the intention to make my posts more reader-orientated. I wanted you as the reader to explicitly feel included in what I was writing. And I still want that. But I want to continue to do that in way that resonates with me, rather than trying to fit the mold of what I picture to be a good blogger.

Everyone has their own style of writing, of what resonates, of life and it’s not always going to align with each person we encounter nor does it have to. Relationships come and go. Life is very fluid, we bump into ideas, cross paths with friends, and stray away from habits only to do it over and over again.

And as much as it is in my nature to create a plan and see it thru, what I’m learning on this entrepreneurial journey, hell what I’m learning in life’s journey, is that it’s all about experimentation and adjustment. Sometimes there is not a definite line of when something is done, rather it’s the desire to do something else, that I think serves as an indicator that we are done with a particular chapter in our lives.

So, I’ll be here. Right there in the corner. Alessia Cara “Here” reference anyone? Okay, maybe I just lost you.

Look, ya girl Lexi D. is back. And I feel like I’ve come home. Return to my blog frequently for new blog posts as I take you along my journey; finally starting to feel I’m transitioning out of my quarter life crisis and into adulthood with confidence.