Another One Bites the Dust

You know what, you can just get your ass in line with all the other guys in my life that weren't right for me. Sure, it was a little bit disappointing hearing that you "don't like dealing with people in their feelings," but it wasn't too surprising. I just feel like, I've been here before, I've heard a man say he was an asshole and warn me about himself only to be right. I need not go through that pain to learn the lesson again.

At this point it's kind of funny. How ridiculous do you have to be to tell a woman you would rather only deal with her when she's happy? Did you not get the memo that we as women need to feel comforted and protected to fall into you? That statement has literally pushed me away the furthest you could imagine.

And you, so wrapped up in yourself probably won't even notice I've backed away.

It's fine.

You were taking up space, now get out of the way for the real man to come thru.

I want to look at him and just say really? Men are still thinking this shit? Aren't you supposed to be doing and saying things to draw me closer? How am I supposed to feel when you push me away like that?

You know what, I don't care all that much. I'm just able to walk away a lot quicker these days without much dust to brush off my shoulders.

I laughed with my friend Saturday telling her this story. I thought of all the men I hoped were going to be this and that in my life, and I looked and saw how half of them were not even on my wavelength and others clearly not right for me.

I'm glad I'm getting to this place where I can seriously say and mean, if you walk away, it is your loss and my gain.

I'm awesome, I bring so many valuable things to the table - I self-reflect, self-adjust, am not too prideful to apologize, I could go on. I'm not perfect, no, but I see the person I've grown into and I refuse to settle for men at a lower frequency than me.

I understand all men who have entered my life, all people who have entered my life,  were there to bring me a gift of a lesson.

So I cry less when it ends and I don't intertwine my peace of mind within someone else's hands. As Mya said, "I'm movin on."

Just Around the Riverbend

It's Fall time again or Autumn as I like to refer to it. Well not really, it's still 80 degrees down here in SoCal. I'm seeing a pattern that every time this year I either meet a new guy or I'm in the process of having to let one go.

To be even more precise, October is the month of boo thangs for me. I thought I'd be more disappointed when ol' dude said he may not be able to make it out here for a trip but then I was reminded of how many other disappointments I've faced with men in my life and brushed it off my shoulders.

After all, this time 4 years ago I was having the worst trip of my life in Seattle with a guy wouldn't commit to me. The pudding was in his good morning beautiful text to another woman following our first evening together.

Nothing quite surprises me anymore.

I know the pain is temporary and in a sense, I am grateful for the all trials and tribulations I've been through because it's shown me the endurance and resilience I have to go through whatever and bounce back stronger.

Every struggle, I've learned, is preparing me for something bigger.

Heck, last Friday, I had one of the most grueling workouts I've faced this year. You see, I'm training for my first Spartan race to be held December 10th (it's an early bday present to myself as my bday is December 15th) and that means pushing myself through the next level of workouts.

It means testing my mental stamina and strength.

Because it's not that I can't push that sled, it's not that I can't run that one last 200M, it's what thoughts will I listen to that tell me I can.

So it's similar in these smaller situations where yeah sure, he can't visit for sure but maybe things will change where he'll have the opportunity. I'm not so much focused on that as much as the bigger picture. And I say this not to downplay any disappointment I may be suppressing - I have a habit of suppressing my emotions - but instead to put things into perspective so that instead of flying off the handle at him, I can accept this and move forward knowing something better is just around the riverbeeeennnnddddd (pochantas reference anyone?).

I just don't want to spend this autumn crying is all. I want to enjoy the change in fashion and makeup and march forward towards better days.