I Will No Longer be in a Relationship with Potential

For years, every guy I chose was purposely unavailable for me because I always thought he (let’s call him Roy) would be the one. I held out hope that one day he’d see us together as I had. It was all just a matter of time in my mind. But after talking with him last night, I quickly realized that while I have known him longer than any other guy in my life, he was still just another guy I had held onto for too long.

After all, he’d never promised me anything. I took his one statement about if he lived out here, he and I would be together to mean – that when he does move back to California, we will be together.

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Finally On The Right Track

"We're just not on the same page." In the last two weeks I've had to cut off two men from my life who didn't have the time to dedicate to build a relationship with me. Guy A, I was really into. FaceTime conversations lasting for hours on end only for there to be silence for days after. He had good intentions, I felt. I felt like he wanted to give me more time, but his focus just wasn't there. After he dropped the ball again by failing to setup a date for us, I ended it before it turned into a mess. "It sucks, but I agree this isn't the best time, he said."

We hung up, I cried a little and moved on.

Guy B, was too short. But he's funny, he's my height at least, he's a gentlemen and unlike Guy A, he seems to be more stable in his career, all things I said hoping I could get over the "superficial," height difference. Last night, I connected the dots and saw in several ways how he wasn't into it either. "I'm surprised, I didn't think it would end this way," he said. Thing to note: he knew it would end.

I cried a little, called my mom, and moved on.

So I'm back on the scene, with an empty roster and full of hope. I'm proud of myself. These two situations reassured me that I can make decisions in alignment with my values and valuing myself. And sure, it sucks that it ended with both guys, but at least I was able to identify the incompatibility without falling trap to falling for the idea of either of them.

Even though I'm essentially back at square one, there's definitely been a shift. I'm more confident now that when I do find the right guy for me, I won't make the mistake of becoming emotionally involved too quickly, falling for the idea of him, or eliminating him based off some arbitrary reason.

I'm no longer afraid to make decisions that are for the best but may cause me some pain. I am aware that the pain I'm feeling now is much easier to cope with than the pain I'd feel hanging onto a situation clearly not conducive to me.

Part of maturing is being willing to make decisions that may not be the easiest but are for the best.

In both situations I was unafraid to verbalize what I wanted. I didn't fear that by showing who I was they would run away because I know that the right one, won't.

It's not about me making the next guy, the guy for me. It's aboutstaying true to myself, adjusting where necessary, and having faith that one day, the right guy will be there.

I Didn't Want Him, I Wanted A Relationship

"I need to have plans, so when he does asks me 'how was your day?' I'll have something interesting to say. He reflected what I wanted my life to look like - working with young professionals, living in LA, a farmer's market within walking distance, traveling frequently, having participated in a marathon, just what perceived to be a well-balanced life. And when I saw him, I saw what I lacked. I feared I wasn't interesting enough. That I wasn't funny enough.

And I wanted so badly for a relationship to occur with this person who I had manifested. I made a list, proclaimed it to the Universe, and let God workout the details. And within a couple of weeks, there he stood. The epitome of what I said, what I had written, what I was convinced, I wanted.

I thought I was clear. I thought I was in the best place I could be to receive love. I loved who I was - I finally was a peace with my body and how my life was unfolding or so I thought.

I work full-time, I workout 5 days a week, I have an optimistic outlook on life, I've left baggage behind and my arms were wide open for love.

In my mind, I was ready.

But not soon after this 'wonderful man' appeared in my life and we started dating, all the insecurities I thought I had dealt with, all the baggage I thought I had dropped years ago, came rushing at me all at once and I couldn't understand why I kept replaying thoughts in my head that I did not deserve him.

He represented to me what a good man looked like. And this resounding "You don't deserve a good man unless you work for it," left me exhausted and confused. Anxiety started becoming my best friend and I couldn't console myself because I had no fcuking clue what it was I was dealing with.

I couldn't understand for the life of me why this person I barely knew triggered emotions I had forgot I even felt before.

I felt like when he met me, I showed up as myself and as we continued to interact, I crumbled to pieces of what I was.

I couldn't enjoy any of my life - and I pushed myself to do 'interesting things,' like running in the fcuking rain just so I had something 'interesting to say.'

I cared more about what he thought of me than my own sanity.

But, I started viewing him as my last hope for a relationship.

Eventually I went to a therapist and started undoing the layers of emotion that became a keeper from my usual happy self.

And because at the time a relationship to me meant I'd have somebody to:

  1. Try new restaurants with
  2. Go to concerts with
  3. Travel out the country with
  4. Spend my Fridays with - oh how I've spent so much time hating being home on Fridays
  5. Just have somebody

Because a relationship represented the potential to take my life to a level I've always envisioned where every day is a new adventure I clung to what I saw with this guy.

He was a placeholder. I wanted the idea of him. I didn't want the present moment with him.

The present moment sucked. Trying to hide my insecurities and constantly thinking of ways to keep him interested was not how I envisioned the first stages of a relationship with someone but because I despised spending Fridays, because I wanted to go to this concert, because I wanted to take cute photos in an antique shop and post them on Instagram, I told myself to stick it out.

I told myself "continue to work with your therapist. Put on a brave face to mask your uneasiness because one day soon, you'll finally have someone to do all the things you've dreamt of doing but never had someone to do it with."

And so I stuck it out. Never at peace - trying to run away from myself. "When did I become this?" I thought. Feelings of inadequacy haunted me.

My heartbreak was about losing what I thought I would have with him. Even today I can't say I truly knew him.  I can't say if we had a connection or if I was so smitten with the idea of him that I dismissed whether or not I really liked him.

Two weeks ago I was grappling with the depression stage of heartbreak. Choosing between hopelessness and possibly being heartbroken again were my only two options I saw. I've since chosen a third option: me.

Just a few days I ago, I began unraveling what it is I really want and continuously meditating on the statement, "Life is happening for me, not to me."

Now, I'm not so focused on wanting a relationship. I'm focused on me and improving me. Should a guy come along that has both passion and the qualities I like, I won't be afraid to give it a shot but always keeping in my mind that I don't need a relationship to truly enjoy life. A relationship should be the cherry on top of a cake that I'm already enjoying by myself.