At some point I’ve realized it’s truly not about J. At one point that was a cop out, saying it’s me who needs to change as a way to say that me changing would be enough for both him and I. If I changed enough then he would commit to me.
But today, I halted, asking myself what is this all for actually? It’s stupid really. This man will never love me and how could I love him?
I gave him so much of me without any concern for my own wellbeing. Giving my body is not merely a physical act but an emotional, spiritual and mental involvement.
Insecurity. I felt insecure because he gave me no direction in the relationship. Now I see that the lack of direction was the direction. It’s now enough to hear him say “ you never know what could happen” that instead of getting my hopes up, instead of getting disappointed, I’m disgusted.
The lack of consideration for my time, my feelings, for me. And I can’t keep up this act, interacting with him when he hasn’t taken responsibility because in his eyes he did nothing wrong. He owned it, but not once genuinely apologized.
And I get blue in the face wanting him to see me.
But I’m walking away so it’s not me who won’t be seen, it’s him who will no longer be blocking another’s’ view.