The Purge

Purging him out of my system has been hard to say the least. I’m on week 4 of the release. February 3rd was the last time he and I spoke. The day before, we sat across from one another, me trying to get the answers from him I already knew. Him, deflecting, upon being reminded this was a conversation about closure and not us continuing to date, he questioned why we were having the conversation at all. Again, a reminder that he’s never listened to my words as I had let him know days prior the intention of the conversation.

Closure. The closure would have been nicer when my feelings weren’t involved. I learned yesterday that I hired him for a job in which he never applied and wasn’t qualified. I positioned myself as his girlfriend, giving him girlfriend and even wife benefits all without him needing to give me much more than some attention here or there.

Flashback. I told him he’d have to cut off every other girl he was dating or no longer date me. He said I don’t want to lose you. It’s been 3 weeks and I haven’t received a text, a call, a carrier pigeon. I wonder, did I ever mean anything to him? Or was I merely another woman on his list? That part stings.

God. My sole focus lately has been God, for only He can provide me all that I need.

Validation. I sought validation from J. I wanted to feel enough. But it should have never been on him to carry that burden.

Feelings. My Feeling. My feelings are MY feelings, to own, to protect, to nurture, to listen to, to take care of. That’s why God put parameters in place, to keep my feelings safe. To keep me safe. Because as I’ve lived outside these parameters, my heart, my soul, my mind hasn’t been safe.

I’ve physiologically had to get him out of my system. And I wanted so bad to be able to convey to J just how much I was hurt. I asked him, “do you not believe me when I tell you I’m hurt?” He replied that he did. But then why didn’t his actions adjust.

Morals. He and I had a different moral code. I could never string along a man who was more into me than him. I trust my feelings. So if I’m not feeling it right away, I know I never will. I don’t know if J hoped I’d grow onto him but I felt like if I stayed around long enough he’d see what I couldn’t at the time. Which was how truly amazing of a woman I am and how much of a gift I’d be to any man who was lucky enough to be given my time, my energy, my consideration.

So it’s week 4 and I’m finally starting to feel noticeably better. I’ve prayed that God show me what else I need to do to finally purge him out of my system and I know, soon, he’ll be gone.