Maybe I Want to be Alone

I'm always stuck on trying to be perfect. I had this awakening in my dating life happen surrounding feminine and masculine energy. Turns out... I can't approach dating as I do my career and wow has my career been amazing. I'd like to side track for a moment.

I've just started a new position with a new company and the perks thus far are beyond amazing. I'm reminded of the time I wrote out what my ideal workplace would look like. (I really want to find that journal entry!) And how much it feels like my career is aligning to this. My drive is very close, co-workers are collaborative and energetic, open workspaces, great pay, heck free lunch! I'm so amazed and grateful. The job I had before this was literally in preparation for this role. It amazes me to think back on. I put it out to God and the Universe what amount of money I wanted to making within 2 years and the offer came in with that EXACT amount, dopest feeling ever.

As I focus on all that positive energy it's helping to move me away from my original point but back to it.

Idk if I'll ever get dating right. Even with the tools I have now and the lessons to lean back, it's like I try these efforts with this guy but still find myself beating myself up when I can't get it right. Then I think to myself I want a new guy but the main driver is to test if I can be perfect for the next one.

I have no fucking clue how to relax around a guy I'm interested in. I think I've bought into the idea that I'll be alone because I've been given strategies of what to do with the masculine - anxious, overanalyzing, doing energy and that's to turn and put it back on to me to use it productively yet I choose to sit in my over analysis, crying, frustrated.

But damnit he stays on my mind and it's like I'm caught up in the masculine energy right now. I feel like this is how I am though, why have I subscribed to the negative parts of myself as being who I am authentically? Why does it feel uncomfortable being told I am deserving of a man treating me like a prize. Why tfcuk is that so uncomfortable?

It's like I feel like I HAVE to work for a relationship - that being in my feminine energy is too fcuking passive. But damnit...what I have been doing has not been working. And I want to tell him to never contact me again because I feel like he will never contact me again anyway.