Ignored

Probably the worst thing you can do in terms of communication with me is to ignore me. Ignoring me says you don't give a shit about what I have to say and you may just not give a shit about me. 

I went to an event last weekend. I invited this guy I've known. The day before he gives me a heads up that he'll be late. The event comes and goes, no word. I reach out to him. Dead air silence. Again I shoot off a text, something sly and sarcastic, nothing. 

I think back to all the times I've been ignored. Heck to the times I've been blocked without warning, without even a slight smoke signal to alert me that hey something is going on.

Now I know it's really not THAT big of a deal. But it's like the person ignoring gets the power. It's like this person gets a chance to see how I will react. 

Now don't get me wrong. I've been in this place many a times before. So I know fully what not to do...and I've still done it...again...just not in this moment. 

Ideally, I'd step back from the situation to understand why I want this person to communicate with me and what would happen if worst case they didn't.

And when I ask myself these questions, in this scenario, with this particular person, it comes to what he represents to me. He's the guy I could never have. The guy who in high school wouldn't look my way. The guy who in college didn't desire me. He embodies a trigger of full blown insecurity within me. When I step away and have 0 expectations from him, I'm good, great actually, no anxiety. But when I'm right up on him, when I'm sitting with my feelings, I start having expectations and I crumble.

At this point it's about frontin' as if I'm what I was before the feelings.

So I shot him off one last text saying I know what this is, and I know you'll be texting me at 1am next year.

More work to do.