This year, I’ve dedicated space to address my emotional unavailability. Over the years I have consistently gravitated towards emotionally unavailable men, at the time unaware of this pattern.

 The guy who was fresh out a relationship, the guy who told me upfront that he was difficult and the guy who moved back and forth between his feelings about me.

Last night, I succumbed to a moment of weakness and looked at his Instagram. What I feared, was there. A new relationship.

Surprisingly, it didn’t hit me as hard as I thought. It was the answer to the question that kept swirling in my mind for the last few nights. The question of whether I should sustain any sort of communication with him.

Backstory: this is a guy I’ve known forever and a day. Our interaction began with me being into him without reciprocation and then a year later vice versa. We’ve played this back and forth game for so many years and at one point I thought well maybe he’s the one I’ll ultimately end up with. Maybe the reason I keep coming back to him after shit hits the fan with someone else is because I’m meant to be with him right? Nope.

I think his time in my life has long expired.

I see relationships as how can this be useful to me?

If I feel I get nothing from the interaction, why waste my time?

And this time I was grappling with if I could just be friends with him. Could I listen to him talk about being with someone else and be neutral?

I knew I couldn’t but I felt it was petty. I felt it was petty to be unable to be neutral with him.

I’m learning that my feelings are not petty. Actions can be, but not feelings.

So, I’m letting him go and now I just feel relief. From the little bit of information I can see she’s a better fit for him anyway at least at the surface.

It just feels good to finally get rid of the last person that was causing such emotional chaos and to bring the attention back to myself.