What Made Him So Deserving?

Okay, I think I can say I've processed it. It no longer pains me to talk about. This guy came to visit me, well I thought to visit me but it turns out it was to use me in a sense. Initially after everything unfolded I just wanted to slap myself. My inner critic asked me how could I be so stupid, so naïve? How didn't I see this coming?

So ole dude came to visit, here I was getting my home ready, buying stuff, you'd think things were going somewhere with this guy the way I was trying to make him comfortable in my home. And now looking back, it's fcuk that. The priority is for me to be comfortable my own home because it's MY home.

The weekend starts off light, fun and casual, just as anticipated. Then as things got physical between he and I, my logic fell to the wayside, emotions took over and I started having expectations that weren't present at the start of the weekend. He came in on Thursday and by the time Saturday evening hit, I was exhausted, in tears, having lost some of my dignity.

We went to an event, him, his friend, me and my friend. And what I thought would be bonding time between he and I turned into him and his friend paired off most likely pursuing other women while I tried to keep calm with my friend. It was just mess and I'm not going into much detail because I come out looking like a fool in the end.

What gets me the most is how could I let such a foul person into my home? That is supposed to be my sanctuary and I damn sure wasn't acting like it by not thinking much about his intentions staying at my home with me. It's just a lesson I feel like I've learned before with a different character - this guy being the most disregarding person I've experienced. At times, I felt he didn't see me as a person with emotions but just something convenient.

Gotta watch out for these dudes who have never been to LA. I forget how fascinated some people are with this city because I'm born and raised here. And unfortunately in this situation I overlooked that detail within him.

I moved through the phases of anxiety and sadness. Spoke with my therapist. Listened to countless episodes of The Baggage Reclaim podcast specifically the Why Did We Break Up episodes so I could feel less shitty about the decisions I had made. And the last thing that closed things for me was a reminder from Crissle on The Read (another podcast I enjoy!), that not everyone is deserving of what you have to offer and you have to regard people with the same treatment they regard you with. In this case, I suspect had I came to visit this guy, he wouldn't have done half the courtesies I granted him. He wouldn't think twice about certain things.

Which made me wonder, why did I give someone a privilege who hadn't earned it?? Why in the hell did I allow someone who is nothing to have any of my time or energy? Two precious things given and taken for granted.

At this point, I take full responsibility for my mistakes, not excusing him of his behavior but you know what, one of my goals this year was to clear away my emotional unavailability. So I suspect that by interacting with someone so emotionally unavailable this one instance is going to help expose the very same emotional unavailability within myself that drew me to this person in the first place.

It hasn't been a pretty unfolding of the lessons from this situation. A key take away has been to establish boundaries. The casual flings, maybe I'm not equipped for them or I need to adjust my expectations such that I don't put so much effort into them. Mm to be honest casual flings have been a way for me to avoid commitment and avoid getting hurt but the hurt inevitably comes and then I beat myself up for being affected by someone who is a speck in my life journey.

I know I'm making progress though and I think this experience was the final straw for me in terms of choosing emotionally unavailable men. It's an ongoing process and I may mess up again a time or two but the beauty in these emotionally painful situations is that it causes me to really appreciate those who do care for me.