This Couch is Too Small

DAMNNN GINA!!! It's been a minute..almost forgot my login information. I'm tired. Yesterday that bitch Anxiety came by for a visit. I know, I know my anger won'r help her go away any sooner. I should embrace her and learn from her right? It's just hard when you feel like it was something so small that triggered it.

For me it was hosting my housewarming. Somewhere the nervousness turned into anxiety and the feeling of throwing up and crying on a dime wouldn't leave me alone. I'm still trying to understand how such social situations could be a trigger for me. I know growing up I would feel similarly when hosting parties but didn't have a word describe it. The point to note is that when I attend parties, I don't feel anxiety afterwards only when I host. So I'm exploring that.

I had a situation today at work. Long story short it was a "feedback" on my performance. I wanted to cuss the person out. I was just irritated that here it was the 2nd time this person went to a manager instead of me directly. 

And then this past Sunday I was reminded of my feelings for a guy. I'm the type that if a guy doesn't reciprocate my feelings, I just want him out of my life. It's no bad blood, I just have no use for further interaction. Hm maybe that's a bitter pill I can't swallow?

But in this case other politics are involved, it's not that serious so I won't go into detail but basically it would look foolish for me to invite his friends out and purposely be like oh yea he can't go. Why they would ask? Because he doesn't like me back. It's childish. It would be stupid. So then I'm like okay feelings go away but it doesn't work that way.

So I have Anxiety on my left and Feelings on my right. Man this couch getting crowded. I have started seeking solace in a old flame. Bad idea. I know. I have a habit of disguising my desire for a true connection and intimacy with just wanting to chill well because the former is harder to find and requires risking getting hurt.

I don't know what I need. I just had a two week amazing vacation in Greece a month ago. Maybe I need a huge shift. I need some type of change because these same conversations are getting old. And then I beat myself up for saying that as if I'm above repeated experiences. Obviously not if the pattern keeps repeating. *sigh*

I just had a long day yesterday and ending my day today with that feedback was the last thing I needed. I just feel like I've been knocked down. But I have no time to crumble. I have to be up way too early tomorrow to facilitate this course. 

I have to keep going and at the same time acknowledge what I'm going thru.