Processing

I’ve never quite mastered this whole I like you but you don’t like me so I should let go thing. I’m currently interested in a guy who doesn’t reciprocate my affections and while my usual coping strategy is to avoid that person altogether, it’s a little more challenging when you’re in the same work group social circle. It creates this unhealthy dynamic where I’m constantly holding my breath around the other person just waiting to hear news of them being with someone else and even if they don’t there’s this little voice saying “what about me? Can’t you see how much we have in common?” Of course, I never say these things aloud to the person and when speaking with friends the conversation is more so about how I can’t just seem to let it go.

I was deep in my feelings after listening to Esther Perel’s TED Talk about infidelity and that even in happy relationships, people have affairs and even in open relationships (the assumption being that this would eradicate cheating), people will have affairs. The idea that we desire that which we cannot have just based on the premise that it is something we cannot have, not even that it’s all the special it’s understanding and unnerving all at once. 

That you could be everything and more to your partner – that actually you can’t. You can’t be something they have and be something they desire because they can’t have you. It’s a contradiction. On the one, hand I was sobbing, I still am a bit inside. Because hearing this reiterates the fact that I have little to no control over my partner’s actions. Which I think I always knew but it’s more personal when we’re talking about infidelity. Infidelity as she says, we take personal. We think it’s about us if we’re the person to be cheated on when most times (I believe she said most) it isn’t.

I have, on the surface, acknowledged that no one can be your everything. I don’t be believe in the sentiment that your partner should complete you. Instead I think they should complement you. But it seems the very thing that creates the relationship cannot maintain it.

What I gather from this is that we will always have desires for things and people we cannot have. It just is what it is and in this case I jump from being frustrated that this guy doesn’t want me to being relieved that if he did, I may not be enough any way and have to deal with that pain. I am just exhausted wrestling with this shit. I was reminded why I “took a break” from dating.

Can I even really say I took a break when it’s not like there were men barking up my door that I had to turn away in the first place?

Can I truly say I’m celibate when I don’t have prospects anyway??

Am I just making this shit up to sound in control when the truth is I haven’t had a date in over a year maybe more and each time I do like a guy  he either doesn’t like me back or if he does I get caught in a web of my insecurities.

It’s just all exhausting. I try my best to tackle this logically…to tackle this emotionally but I’m just not sure in this moment of what else to do. I guess I’m still processing.