Another Anxiety Ridden Day

I am emotional and really sensitive at times. For most things in life, logic wins. So when I'm faced with a situation that is especially emotionally triggering, unable to get myself out of it using logic, I become that much more frustrated. Recently I chose another emotionally unavailable man to give pieces of myself too. While I thought it was consensual, it's felt like he has taken something from me.

And it's always the strangest thing when this happens with men. Where I feel so hurt and anxiety ridden although I knew from the start that it wouldn't be long term.  I can't understand why it's a challenge to walk away from a situation with a guy that no longer serves me. It's as if I have this subconscious fear that I may miss out, that I may not be given another shot to find the one for me.

I've found myself losing faith in long-term partnerships. They just don't seem to make sense logically. How can we make a permanent decision based on temporary emotions? This is why I'm starting to think love isn't an emotion but rather a choice. We choose our partner everyday or there's no way we can thrive in our partnership.

That's another thing, I want to thrive in a relationship - not merely survive another argument that could turn into a break up.

I'm so afraid of being hurt that I choose men I know are wrong for me so I can walk away when I'd like to - in theory without being hurt because I knew he wasn't the one anyway. But what's happening in all of these cases is I see some sparkle of magic whether we just have so much in common or he's been active in persuing me that I unwillingly create an emotional tie with a man. So when things do crumble, I'm confused as to why I'm hurt when I knew it wasn't going to work.

I guess because I don't know what it looks like when a relationship 'works' or maybe I don't have faith I'll find one that works for me.

All I know is the anxiety ridden day I had yesterday where I had to push myself to take care of my basic needs has left me exhausted this morning.

I still don't know the 'best way' to cope, is there even a 'best way'? Again, I know the things not to do to cope like, taking drugs or alcohol but then how do I release these emotions in a healthy way that will quickly help me bounce back? It's probably not about how quickly I bounce back . I always do get better with time.

I just overthink so much that I think to myself I'm never actually getting better but instead masking my pain without my own realization.

As a sit here at work, I try and find relief in moments where this isn't on my mind.