Deja Vu

Deja Vu. Here I sit, on the same floor when I first started with this company years ago. My team was moved to this location yesterday and it brought up many emotions. Dread was overarching. As I walked in with my personal belongings from my previous job site, I couldn't stand the nagging reminder that this was the same floor where I had so much misery. I remember getting into my car and crying on the way home thinking, "This is my life now?!?" Working at a job I can't stand, going home, eating junk food, watching trash TV only to wake up and do it all over again?!

I was angry that this was my life but even more upset that I didn't know how to make a change.

And so now, here I sit, years later. Years later from that moment of crying on my drive home. Years later from feeling lost and confused.

To be honest, not much has changed in the physical sense.

Sure, I workout a lot more. I even socialize more.

But I'm still at the same job, in a cubicle for 8 hours.

The biggest change for me has been in perspective. I have started to view things from a completely different lens so now when people ask me how's work? I can confidently and truthfully say, it's the best thing for me right now.

Sometimes I do wonder if I'm too comfortable. If I'll be that person that set out to one day be working full-time for herself only to be working for my desk job for 30+ years. There's been one too many times I've stated my intentions to leave and elders at my job have replied having the same sentiment at my age but they're still here.

I know I have the power to manifest whatever it is I want in life. But my issue is, I don't exactly know what that is. I don't know what my dream job would be. I know what the environment would look like but I think the conditioning of "being realistic" has stunted my growth in dream creation. I stopped 'dreaming' awhile ago because each and every one of my dreams were knocked back into reality.

I fear that while having this power to manifest, I'll never fully reach my potential because I can't seem to find where my laser focus should be. I worry that I'm wasting my time and that I will look back with regrets.

Which is why I'm so dead set on living my life intentionally. My quarter life crisis wasn't in vain. It pushed me to explore because it was either sit in misery constantly trying to escape or get out there and attempt to make a change. I chose the latter and each time I'm miserable, I continue tochoose the latter.

I can't say for certain where I'll be in 5 years from now. As of this moment, the one thing I am certain of is with my time here on earth, I want to squeeze every ounce of life out of well life. I want to grow old knowing I lived a life on my terms with dedication and intention.