Lately I've gotten caught up in comparison. It's like I'm satisfied until I see someone else's work. Whether it's another YouTuber that has more video views, another blog that I think looks better than mine, or a Snapchat story I feel to be more appealing than mine - I want it all to cease.
I thought this would all go away after deleting my Instagram and Facebook but somehow, the shadow of inadequacy has found me again. I'm constantly wondering if I'll measure up.
It's disappointing and discouraging because it's turned into a numbers game where I'm refreshing my screen looking for more subscribers, for more video views. I'm trying my best to focus on putting my best material forth but as I look left, as I look right, I can only see where I could have done better, where I should have done better.
So now I'm stuck trying to find that sweet spot between appreciating others' work and also celebrating my own.
But I'm tired.
I feel like the only way to stop the thoughts are to live in a box.
Can I really live a life only producing my own work and be happy? How do I balance creation with consumption?
How can I appreciate others' work without feeling like it's speaking to the inadequacy of mine?
It's a selfish thought really - to look at someone else's creation and measure it up to mine.
I'd like to think there's room for all creations but sometimes it feels like a race.
Who did it first? Who did it best?
But I have stories I want to tell. It's frustrating feeling unable to translate my concepts into tangible creations.
I want to tell stories of how important it is to spend time with loved ones, that none of us look like what we've been through, what the essence of heartbreak feels like, the list goes on.
I want whomever is consuming my creation to feel something. It's so important to feel, feel anything because for so long I've been ashamed of my feelings. I've wanted to rid my life of my feelings. Now seeing the value in feelings and emotions, it's become a primary driver for whatever it is I create.
So i'm trying to get back to my purpose for creating anything. Not for the "likes," not for the attention but purely because I simply want to share.