For years, every guy I chose was purposely unavailable for me because I always thought he (let’s call him Roy) would be the one. I held out hope that one day he’d see us together as I had. It was all just a matter of time in my mind. But after talking with him last night, I quickly realized that while I have known him longer than any other guy in my life, he was still just another guy I had held onto for too long.
After all, he’d never promised me anything. I took his one statement about if he lived out here, he and I would be together to mean – that when he does move back to California, we will be together.
I’ve learned this lesson before.
I cannot be in a relationship with 'eventually' or 'potentially'.
What has held me back from letting go, was not understanding why else he would be in my life this long if not to be with me one day. But having the understanding of why someone crosses your path usually becomes known once they leave.
I still don’t know if years from now we’ll reconnect but I can’t continue this pattern.
I can’t continue to date other men, using it as a distraction from my feelings for him.
I will not continue to entertain men for their potential.
Last night was so bittersweet because as I was shutting the door with him, I collected myself together to talk on the phone with another guy who has clearly shown interest in me. "I have a question," I said. "I have an answer," he said. I didn’t want to get off the phone. It felt effortless to talk to him.
We spoke for an hour without a hiccup.
I’m not saying that this could be the one. But what I am acknowledging is that if I am ever going to have ‘the one’ for me in my life I cannot continue date other guys holding out hope that ‘Roy’ and I will be together one day.
And let’s be real, this new guy may not be the one, but if his only purpose in my life was to trigger me into re-thinking my situation with Roy, I’m grateful.
Part of being true to yourself is going to require pushing through uncomfortable situations and letting go of experiences, including people, that are no longer in alignment with the life you envision for yourself.
In this case, for me, I don’t envision my husband making me wait for him and I don’t envision him allowing me to second guess his intentions. I know that my husband will jump at the opportunity and will make it known what he sees for us.
But until he comes along, I'll continue to get rid of all the barriers that stand between him and I.