"We're just not on the same page." In the last two weeks I've had to cut off two men from my life who didn't have the time to dedicate to build a relationship with me. Guy A, I was really into. FaceTime conversations lasting for hours on end only for there to be silence for days after. He had good intentions, I felt. I felt like he wanted to give me more time, but his focus just wasn't there. After he dropped the ball again by failing to setup a date for us, I ended it before it turned into a mess. "It sucks, but I agree this isn't the best time, he said."
We hung up, I cried a little and moved on.
Guy B, was too short. But he's funny, he's my height at least, he's a gentlemen and unlike Guy A, he seems to be more stable in his career, all things I said hoping I could get over the "superficial," height difference. Last night, I connected the dots and saw in several ways how he wasn't into it either. "I'm surprised, I didn't think it would end this way," he said. Thing to note: he knew it would end.
I cried a little, called my mom, and moved on.
So I'm back on the scene, with an empty roster and full of hope. I'm proud of myself. These two situations reassured me that I can make decisions in alignment with my values and valuing myself. And sure, it sucks that it ended with both guys, but at least I was able to identify the incompatibility without falling trap to falling for the idea of either of them.
Even though I'm essentially back at square one, there's definitely been a shift. I'm more confident now that when I do find the right guy for me, I won't make the mistake of becoming emotionally involved too quickly, falling for the idea of him, or eliminating him based off some arbitrary reason.
I'm no longer afraid to make decisions that are for the best but may cause me some pain. I am aware that the pain I'm feeling now is much easier to cope with than the pain I'd feel hanging onto a situation clearly not conducive to me.
Part of maturing is being willing to make decisions that may not be the easiest but are for the best.
In both situations I was unafraid to verbalize what I wanted. I didn't fear that by showing who I was they would run away because I know that the right one, won't.
It's not about me making the next guy, the guy for me. It's aboutstaying true to myself, adjusting where necessary, and having faith that one day, the right guy will be there.