I Didn't Want Him, I Wanted A Relationship

"I need to have plans, so when he does asks me 'how was your day?' I'll have something interesting to say. He reflected what I wanted my life to look like - working with young professionals, living in LA, a farmer's market within walking distance, traveling frequently, having participated in a marathon, just what perceived to be a well-balanced life. And when I saw him, I saw what I lacked. I feared I wasn't interesting enough. That I wasn't funny enough.

And I wanted so badly for a relationship to occur with this person who I had manifested. I made a list, proclaimed it to the Universe, and let God workout the details. And within a couple of weeks, there he stood. The epitome of what I said, what I had written, what I was convinced, I wanted.

I thought I was clear. I thought I was in the best place I could be to receive love. I loved who I was - I finally was a peace with my body and how my life was unfolding or so I thought.

I work full-time, I workout 5 days a week, I have an optimistic outlook on life, I've left baggage behind and my arms were wide open for love.

In my mind, I was ready.

But not soon after this 'wonderful man' appeared in my life and we started dating, all the insecurities I thought I had dealt with, all the baggage I thought I had dropped years ago, came rushing at me all at once and I couldn't understand why I kept replaying thoughts in my head that I did not deserve him.

He represented to me what a good man looked like. And this resounding "You don't deserve a good man unless you work for it," left me exhausted and confused. Anxiety started becoming my best friend and I couldn't console myself because I had no fcuking clue what it was I was dealing with.

I couldn't understand for the life of me why this person I barely knew triggered emotions I had forgot I even felt before.

I felt like when he met me, I showed up as myself and as we continued to interact, I crumbled to pieces of what I was.

I couldn't enjoy any of my life - and I pushed myself to do 'interesting things,' like running in the fcuking rain just so I had something 'interesting to say.'

I cared more about what he thought of me than my own sanity.

But, I started viewing him as my last hope for a relationship.

Eventually I went to a therapist and started undoing the layers of emotion that became a keeper from my usual happy self.

And because at the time a relationship to me meant I'd have somebody to:

  1. Try new restaurants with
  2. Go to concerts with
  3. Travel out the country with
  4. Spend my Fridays with - oh how I've spent so much time hating being home on Fridays
  5. Just have somebody

Because a relationship represented the potential to take my life to a level I've always envisioned where every day is a new adventure I clung to what I saw with this guy.

He was a placeholder. I wanted the idea of him. I didn't want the present moment with him.

The present moment sucked. Trying to hide my insecurities and constantly thinking of ways to keep him interested was not how I envisioned the first stages of a relationship with someone but because I despised spending Fridays, because I wanted to go to this concert, because I wanted to take cute photos in an antique shop and post them on Instagram, I told myself to stick it out.

I told myself "continue to work with your therapist. Put on a brave face to mask your uneasiness because one day soon, you'll finally have someone to do all the things you've dreamt of doing but never had someone to do it with."

And so I stuck it out. Never at peace - trying to run away from myself. "When did I become this?" I thought. Feelings of inadequacy haunted me.

My heartbreak was about losing what I thought I would have with him. Even today I can't say I truly knew him.  I can't say if we had a connection or if I was so smitten with the idea of him that I dismissed whether or not I really liked him.

Two weeks ago I was grappling with the depression stage of heartbreak. Choosing between hopelessness and possibly being heartbroken again were my only two options I saw. I've since chosen a third option: me.

Just a few days I ago, I began unraveling what it is I really want and continuously meditating on the statement, "Life is happening for me, not to me."

Now, I'm not so focused on wanting a relationship. I'm focused on me and improving me. Should a guy come along that has both passion and the qualities I like, I won't be afraid to give it a shot but always keeping in my mind that I don't need a relationship to truly enjoy life. A relationship should be the cherry on top of a cake that I'm already enjoying by myself.