I am not perfect. And I'm still finding the balance between admitting my weaknesses and treasuring my strengths. Last night, I fell off the wagon/the horse whatever, look I just fell. But with Jill Scott's Pandora radio station playing in the background I am actually sitting with peace.
I used to classify certain behaviors as crazy and childish but I've since grown wise to the idea that what others may call crazy, I call passion. I've had my not so pretty moments but who hasn't?
Who hasn't done something, knowing regret would be awaiting them, and still went thru with it? And who hasn't done that over and over in their life?
I am not perfect.
Last night, I was out with friends having had one too many shots of sochu and all the emotions bubbled over. I texted him, and you know what it could have been worse. I could have got in my car, driven to his place (as I still have his address memorized *sigh*) and banged on his door demanding attention. I could have called him nonstop. I could have texted him nonstop. But I didn't.
Instead, I found myself squatted on the pavement tearfully telling my friend of how I was done with love.
I can be a walking contradiction at times. Here I've stated on many occasions that I don't believe in living with regrets. I've stated that everything happens for a reason and I'd like to think that more times than not, I take on a victor's, not victim's mentality.
But last night I couldn't take it. I was hysterical and proclaimed that I had given up on love. I regretted even giving this guy a chance and started questioning if love was worth the pain it brings. "I just want to be numb" I stated. "I want to be indifferent because being the one who cares first results in me always losing."
I felt tired - no exhausted with what I perceived as constant heartbreak with no real rewards.
Yeah sure, out of each heartbreak comes a lesson but sometimes I question why did I really need to learn this or that? Or rather why did I have to lose this person to learn this or that lesson? Why couldn't they stay with me on my life journey as I learn the lesson? If people only enter our lives to leave us with lessons, then I don't want anybody else entering my life.
I know that no one will be in our lives permanently. And sometimes the only person that can catch us when we fall is ourselves - by picking ourselves up and getting back on the horse.
Maybe that horse is life and sometimes it becomes a bull - untamed and having no desire to be controlled.
Maybe life simply wants to be lived without resistance and instead with acceptance.
As I walk on this journey I bring with me the constant reminder that life is happening for me not to me.
Last night all I could see was what I lacked. All I could see, all I felt, was life happening to me.
There's a fine line between interchanging the word "for" with "to."
In seeing life as happening for me, I'm able to be free and rest assured that whatever happens, has happened, and will happen is for me.
In seeing life as happening to me, I become the victim. I'm the bull rider without control and trying so hard to tame that which is not to be tamed by nature.
Pain inevitable. Suffering is optional. - Unknown
Life will continue to have its' uncertainties. I will have my good days, my bad days and I will have my joyous moments. I will have my lows where I don't see the light at the end of tunnel but I think - I think as long as I keep hope as my best friend and continue to hop back on the horse, I'll be able to face whatever life tosses my way - choosing to catch it, drop it, or toss it right back.