Happy New Year to all! I ended 2015 with a bang in San Diego with a friend and a couple of acquaintances and I was reminded of my existence outside of difficult emotions. What difficult emotions?
Well, recently heartbreak visited me. An unwelcome visitor to all, I wasn't too sure how long she planned to stay. And although I never quite see her coming, she's sure to sting as much as she has the first time.
Heartbreak pretty much takes all of my being and consumes me to tears while I'm driving, tears while I'm trying my best to sleep, and still more tears awaiting me in the morning.
7lbs down in 2 days and the smell of food still left me nauseus, I've questioned my sanity. And as the days have passed and I have less waves of emotions of dread I've come to some clarity. And with that I wrote this man, who triggered my latest heartbreak, (of which I have no intention of sending him), a letter:
I’m starting to feel like you were just a passerby; a figment of my imagination. We haven’t spoken since you decided to no longer pursue me and I have yet to really miss you.
Maybe because when we were dating, it triggered all types of insecurities that I never knew I had and some I thought I had made peace with in the past.
Maybe all you were for my life was a trigger. Maybe God put in you in my life to trigger all these thoughts/feelings/emotions so that I would admit to them, get help, and be prepared for my real prince charming.
Is it weird that I have no desire to contact you?
I don’t hate you or have any ill feelings towards you. But I don’t think of you moving on. I don’t think of you dating someone else. And just shy of 4 weeks since the initial heartbreak, I don’t really think of….you.
Rather I think of what existed between us. And I think of how much freer I feel; no longer encapsulated by insecure thoughts of not being good enough for you.
I do still want you sometimes though. Maybe I moreso want the idea of you.
The idea of a guy that plans good dates (Is that all that I miss?!)
A guy that instead of just handing me his coat, holds it out for me to put my arms into.
Yea sure, you possessed all the things I had put out into the Universe just a couple months prior…but
Did you ever make me crack up laughing…did you ever make me feel like I was special to you…did you ever really make me feel like you saw me in your future as the way I saw you in mine?
Or were you simply a person with the resume along with some items I had not bargained for.
But missing the potential of us is..it’s faded. Not that I never cared about you but the more I look at life as happening FOR me, I no longer see you, only what you represented in my life.
You or not, the lesson had to be learned: Only when I have love for myself can I truly allow love to enter my life.
So maybe it didn’t need to be you per se. The more time that passes…the more I question ever having known you at all.
And if you were to open the door you so gently closed in my face, I’m not too sure I’d be waiting behind it.