This Couch is Too Small

DAMNNN GINA!!! It's been a minute..almost forgot my login information. I'm tired. Yesterday that bitch Anxiety came by for a visit. I know, I know my anger won'r help her go away any sooner. I should embrace her and learn from her right? It's just hard when you feel like it was something so small that triggered it.

For me it was hosting my housewarming. Somewhere the nervousness turned into anxiety and the feeling of throwing up and crying on a dime wouldn't leave me alone. I'm still trying to understand how such social situations could be a trigger for me. I know growing up I would feel similarly when hosting parties but didn't have a word describe it. The point to note is that when I attend parties, I don't feel anxiety afterwards only when I host. So I'm exploring that.

I had a situation today at work. Long story short it was a "feedback" on my performance. I wanted to cuss the person out. I was just irritated that here it was the 2nd time this person went to a manager instead of me directly. 

And then this past Sunday I was reminded of my feelings for a guy. I'm the type that if a guy doesn't reciprocate my feelings, I just want him out of my life. It's no bad blood, I just have no use for further interaction. Hm maybe that's a bitter pill I can't swallow?

But in this case other politics are involved, it's not that serious so I won't go into detail but basically it would look foolish for me to invite his friends out and purposely be like oh yea he can't go. Why they would ask? Because he doesn't like me back. It's childish. It would be stupid. So then I'm like okay feelings go away but it doesn't work that way.

So I have Anxiety on my left and Feelings on my right. Man this couch getting crowded. I have started seeking solace in a old flame. Bad idea. I know. I have a habit of disguising my desire for a true connection and intimacy with just wanting to chill well because the former is harder to find and requires risking getting hurt.

I don't know what I need. I just had a two week amazing vacation in Greece a month ago. Maybe I need a huge shift. I need some type of change because these same conversations are getting old. And then I beat myself up for saying that as if I'm above repeated experiences. Obviously not if the pattern keeps repeating. *sigh*

I just had a long day yesterday and ending my day today with that feedback was the last thing I needed. I just feel like I've been knocked down. But I have no time to crumble. I have to be up way too early tomorrow to facilitate this course. 

I have to keep going and at the same time acknowledge what I'm going thru.

Finally...goodbye

This year, I’ve dedicated space to address my emotional unavailability. Over the years I have consistently gravitated towards emotionally unavailable men, at the time unaware of this pattern.

 The guy who was fresh out a relationship, the guy who told me upfront that he was difficult and the guy who moved back and forth between his feelings about me.

Last night, I succumbed to a moment of weakness and looked at his Instagram. What I feared, was there. A new relationship.

Surprisingly, it didn’t hit me as hard as I thought. It was the answer to the question that kept swirling in my mind for the last few nights. The question of whether I should sustain any sort of communication with him.

Backstory: this is a guy I’ve known forever and a day. Our interaction began with me being into him without reciprocation and then a year later vice versa. We’ve played this back and forth game for so many years and at one point I thought well maybe he’s the one I’ll ultimately end up with. Maybe the reason I keep coming back to him after shit hits the fan with someone else is because I’m meant to be with him right? Nope.

I think his time in my life has long expired.

I see relationships as how can this be useful to me?

If I feel I get nothing from the interaction, why waste my time?

And this time I was grappling with if I could just be friends with him. Could I listen to him talk about being with someone else and be neutral?

I knew I couldn’t but I felt it was petty. I felt it was petty to be unable to be neutral with him.

I’m learning that my feelings are not petty. Actions can be, but not feelings.

So, I’m letting him go and now I just feel relief. From the little bit of information I can see she’s a better fit for him anyway at least at the surface.

It just feels good to finally get rid of the last person that was causing such emotional chaos and to bring the attention back to myself.

My First Home Purchase

Ah yes it's been awhile, almost 2 months to be exact and so much has occurred. First and best foremost, I bought a home! The journey of escrow was more trying mentally than I could have anticipated and there were many a times I had to remind myself of the beauty that laid past the mistakes of my loan advisor.

But I'm here now, in my home, well not as I'm writing this but I'm all moved in and thankfully I have a father that is both retired and a handyman. The progress he has made has made my new place feel like a home that much sooner.

I'm still a little unsettled, waking at the slightest noise but I anticipate that will go away as I get more acclimated. A note about the move: it was the most efficient move I've had so far. Having moved in and out of the college dorms four times, each time seemingly taking longer than the previous year, I set my intention for that not to be the case with this move.

I gave myself 2 weeks of packing for 2 hours a night making sure that as soon as my friends and family came to help me move they would have nothing to pack. I was wrapping furniture and at one point tossing random things in boxes being as specific as possible with labeling and I think the colored tape system was a HUGE help.

One thing since moving though, I haven't been sleeping as much as I would like. Why? I'm up watching home décor videos. It's crazy how much I love this stuff. And finally having an office space opens up the possibilities for me to be that much more creative in my space.

I spend less time on the computer since I now have a big, fancy ass television. Do you know, I went in Costco intending to get a 45 inch and came out with a 55??? This is what happens when your dad is a TV fanatic and has a big ass TV himself *rolls eyes.* Oh welp, it's mounted now and I'm happy with my decision.

On another note, I've been thinking a lot lately about if it's "wrong" that I don't want to know anything further about my exes, well specifically about their love lives. I think it's because I don't want the reminder that things didn't work between us despite me no longer having the desire to be with them. Part of it feels petty and like it's coming from a place of possessiveness? In general it's not an issue but there's the one guy who I finally set a boundary and said no more intimacy unless we're going to be committed and now the question is can we truly just be friends? Can I listen to him with neutrality? Can he respect my boundary to not discuss a future between us unless he's ready to act on it?

It's not a daily distress seeing as he and I only speak at pivotal moments in our lives. His birthday, my birthday and right before the new year. I just don't know if him and I interacting at all is conducive to me living a peaceful life? I'm trying not to stress it but I suspect the random moments it comes up for me, he's thinking of me too.

Anyways, I'm putting my focus on my home and being mindful of my peace of mind.