A sip of Remy

I'm afraid of what's happening.  It's Sunday night and all weekend long I haven't been able to shake a bit of a confrontation with a co-worker last week. Maybe confrontation is too strong of a word. Really what happened is he was being a control freak and overstepping his boundaries into my role and I had to set him straight. 

Last week was just overwhelming in general. Earlier in the week we had two all day workshops and they were so mentally exhausting I debated taking a vacation day following. And so that Wednesday was already tough enough and that interaction  was not what I needed. 

But really what I'm afraid of is that this stress is following me out of the office and into my home. In the past I've been really good about compartmentalizing my life. In this case, work was work. I only thought about, spoke about, stressed about work when I was at work. 

If I wasn't being paid for the work, I wouldn't even think about it. But lately this is the 3rd time the stress has followed me home and it's irking me even more because I really do not want to morph into my co-workers. There are people who you can tell this is their life by how stressed they get. 

Truth be told. It's never that serious. I'm not saving lives so what I'm doing isn't to cause that much stress. What isn't done today can get done tomorrow. 

But I still feel it within me, the stress of my next interaction and the fear that as I grow into my 30s, I'm losing sight of the vitality, the liveliness I had not too long ago.

Has my life become that fcuking boring that this type of shit gets underneath my skin?! 

It can't be time for another life crisis. 

I think I deserve at least another 2 years, let me hit 30 before I see the life I'm shifting into.

Now let me take a sip of Remy to calm my nerves.


Probably the worst thing you can do in terms of communication with me is to ignore me. Ignoring me says you don't give a shit about what I have to say and you may just not give a shit about me. 

I went to an event last weekend. I invited this guy I've known. The day before he gives me a heads up that he'll be late. The event comes and goes, no word. I reach out to him. Dead air silence. Again I shoot off a text, something sly and sarcastic, nothing. 

I think back to all the times I've been ignored. Heck to the times I've been blocked without warning, without even a slight smoke signal to alert me that hey something is going on.

Now I know it's really not THAT big of a deal. But it's like the person ignoring gets the power. It's like this person gets a chance to see how I will react. 

Now don't get me wrong. I've been in this place many a times before. So I know fully what not to do...and I've still done it...again...just not in this moment. 

Ideally, I'd step back from the situation to understand why I want this person to communicate with me and what would happen if worst case they didn't.

And when I ask myself these questions, in this scenario, with this particular person, it comes to what he represents to me. He's the guy I could never have. The guy who in high school wouldn't look my way. The guy who in college didn't desire me. He embodies a trigger of full blown insecurity within me. When I step away and have 0 expectations from him, I'm good, great actually, no anxiety. But when I'm right up on him, when I'm sitting with my feelings, I start having expectations and I crumble.

At this point it's about frontin' as if I'm what I was before the feelings.

So I shot him off one last text saying I know what this is, and I know you'll be texting me at 1am next year.

More work to do.


I’ve never quite mastered this whole I like you but you don’t like me so I should let go thing. I’m currently interested in a guy who doesn’t reciprocate my affections and while my usual coping strategy is to avoid that person altogether, it’s a little more challenging when you’re in the same work group social circle. It creates this unhealthy dynamic where I’m constantly holding my breath around the other person just waiting to hear news of them being with someone else and even if they don’t there’s this little voice saying “what about me? Can’t you see how much we have in common?” Of course, I never say these things aloud to the person and when speaking with friends the conversation is more so about how I can’t just seem to let it go.

I was deep in my feelings after listening to Esther Perel’s TED Talk about infidelity and that even in happy relationships, people have affairs and even in open relationships (the assumption being that this would eradicate cheating), people will have affairs. The idea that we desire that which we cannot have just based on the premise that it is something we cannot have, not even that it’s all the special it’s understanding and unnerving all at once. 

That you could be everything and more to your partner – that actually you can’t. You can’t be something they have and be something they desire because they can’t have you. It’s a contradiction. On the one, hand I was sobbing, I still am a bit inside. Because hearing this reiterates the fact that I have little to no control over my partner’s actions. Which I think I always knew but it’s more personal when we’re talking about infidelity. Infidelity as she says, we take personal. We think it’s about us if we’re the person to be cheated on when most times (I believe she said most) it isn’t.

I have, on the surface, acknowledged that no one can be your everything. I don’t be believe in the sentiment that your partner should complete you. Instead I think they should complement you. But it seems the very thing that creates the relationship cannot maintain it.

What I gather from this is that we will always have desires for things and people we cannot have. It just is what it is and in this case I jump from being frustrated that this guy doesn’t want me to being relieved that if he did, I may not be enough any way and have to deal with that pain. I am just exhausted wrestling with this shit. I was reminded why I “took a break” from dating.

Can I even really say I took a break when it’s not like there were men barking up my door that I had to turn away in the first place?

Can I truly say I’m celibate when I don’t have prospects anyway??

Am I just making this shit up to sound in control when the truth is I haven’t had a date in over a year maybe more and each time I do like a guy  he either doesn’t like me back or if he does I get caught in a web of my insecurities.

It’s just all exhausting. I try my best to tackle this logically…to tackle this emotionally but I’m just not sure in this moment of what else to do. I guess I’m still processing.