A Month into My New Job

It's been a month since I left my job and I feel fucking amazing. I'm still in this transition period of leaving behind something that was so familiar into the unknown. I spent 6 years at that job and much of it I questioned my value, the days I sat with my co-worker listing pros and cons and trying my best to not accept the mediocrity as my destiny. As my work environment became toxic it was clear it was time to go. 

God had me all along. 

I had applied to a job earlier in the year, got the interview, and didn't get the job. Initially I was confident I'd get the job. The job posting and my current work aligned so well. I envisioned what leaving would really look like and went through the surprising sadness I would have for leaving behind certain coworkers. And then, when I didn't get the job, I had mixed feelings. I was disappointed for about a day, thought to myself "welp hey at least I still have a job, if not this, then better," I quickly moved on.

Then shit started getting progressively worse with certain individuals at my job. They questioned how many hours I was working. Seriously though, if you're focused on your job, you wouldn't have the time to worry about me. So who really wasn't working their hours....? It was clear that the 2 particular people felt a way about my role and just as I was going to confront each of them, I got the job offer. And it was "fuck this shit!" that shouted from the belly of my mind.

It was winning the job lottery. The job that initially turned me down, came back and say hey actually we have another opening, are you open to it? Here I was having jotted down so many times what my ideal working environment would be and I was given just that. I stated over and over I wanted to make a specific dollar amount and when the recruiter stated to me the amount, I was stunned. I can't recall the last time I was so...damn can't even find the words. I was elated and grateful.

Grateful to get the fcuk out of that environment and to finally receive what I knew I deserved. 

Now having been with my new company for a month, I have enjoyed it. I spent the first week in shock and in imposter syndrome - a foreign concept to me. I had always gone after what I deserved and at some point would achieve it but this was the first time where I started to get paranoid. A job that pays me well, short commute, great coworkers, great benefits, and free lunch EVERYDAY. What's the catch I wondered. Where is it, what is it and how will I manage it? Was I really good enough to do this work?

Sure, with anything in life there's going to be things I don't necessarily care for. But maybe it doesn't have to be this dramatic thing. There's so much positive, it's like I'm wired to believe that there has to be negative to balance it out. But I'm choosing to ride this wave of positivity as long as I can because this 5-minute commute has me on Cloud 9. Much of time was spent surviving my last job, now it's time to thrive.

Maybe I Want to be Alone

I'm always stuck on trying to be perfect. I had this awakening in my dating life happen surrounding feminine and masculine energy. Turns out... I can't approach dating as I do my career and wow has my career been amazing. I'd like to side track for a moment.

I've just started a new position with a new company and the perks thus far are beyond amazing. I'm reminded of the time I wrote out what my ideal workplace would look like. (I really want to find that journal entry!) And how much it feels like my career is aligning to this. My drive is very close, co-workers are collaborative and energetic, open workspaces, great pay, heck free lunch! I'm so amazed and grateful. The job I had before this was literally in preparation for this role. It amazes me to think back on. I put it out to God and the Universe what amount of money I wanted to making within 2 years and the offer came in with that EXACT amount, dopest feeling ever.

As I focus on all that positive energy it's helping to move me away from my original point but back to it.

Idk if I'll ever get dating right. Even with the tools I have now and the lessons to lean back, it's like I try these efforts with this guy but still find myself beating myself up when I can't get it right. Then I think to myself I want a new guy but the main driver is to test if I can be perfect for the next one.

I have no fucking clue how to relax around a guy I'm interested in. I think I've bought into the idea that I'll be alone because I've been given strategies of what to do with the masculine - anxious, overanalyzing, doing energy and that's to turn and put it back on to me to use it productively yet I choose to sit in my over analysis, crying, frustrated.

But damnit he stays on my mind and it's like I'm caught up in the masculine energy right now. I feel like this is how I am though, why have I subscribed to the negative parts of myself as being who I am authentically? Why does it feel uncomfortable being told I am deserving of a man treating me like a prize. Why tfcuk is that so uncomfortable?

It's like I feel like I HAVE to work for a relationship - that being in my feminine energy is too fcuking passive. But damnit...what I have been doing has not been working. And I want to tell him to never contact me again because I feel like he will never contact me again anyway.

A Little Assessment

What I like about this guy

1.       His patience – he never shouts and is slow to anger very much opposite of me

2.       He stays around. He could classify me as crazy and move on, but he hasn’t.

3.       His optimism – He attempts to see the positive in anything

Frustrations

1.       He’s non-verbal. I will blatantly tell him how to fix an issue and he will change the subject

2.       He doesn’t plan in advance. He’ll plan for a day but not give me specifics until the day of

3.       He’s non-verbal, did I say he’s non-verbal? He missed the point when I explain my issue with him

What I Wish

1.       He would plan and communicate to me days in advance instead of the day of

2.      He would articulate his feelings verbally

Things I Need to Improve

1.       Giving him space, I feel like I don’t give him enough space to be decisive and want him to work according to my timeline

2.       The fear that he doesn’t really like me, he’ll get fed up with my tantrums and leave. Even if that does happen, my best chance at preventing it is to stop the blow ups. I have to address two parts:

  • Constantly looking for evidence that he doesn’t feel the same and instead look for the opposite
  • Ask why I’m so afraid he won’t like me

3.       My negative attitude. I’m fighting this bully in my head that says I’m undeserving, causing me to create a self-fulfilling prophecy as I lash out