A Little Assessment

What I like about this guy

1.       His patience – he never shouts and is slow to anger very much opposite of me

2.       He stays around. He could classify me as crazy and move on, but he hasn’t.

3.       His optimism – He attempts to see the positive in anything

Frustrations

1.       He’s non-verbal. I will blatantly tell him how to fix an issue and he will change the subject

2.       He doesn’t plan in advance. He’ll plan for a day but not give me specifics until the day of

3.       He’s non-verbal, did I say he’s non-verbal? He missed the point when I explain my issue with him

What I Wish

1.       He would plan and communicate to me days in advance instead of the day of

2.      He would articulate his feelings verbally

Things I Need to Improve

1.       Giving him space, I feel like I don’t give him enough space to be decisive and want him to work according to my timeline

2.       The fear that he doesn’t really like me, he’ll get fed up with my tantrums and leave. Even if that does happen, my best chance at preventing it is to stop the blow ups. I have to address two parts:

  • Constantly looking for evidence that he doesn’t feel the same and instead look for the opposite
  • Ask why I’m so afraid he won’t like me

3.       My negative attitude. I’m fighting this bully in my head that says I’m undeserving, causing me to create a self-fulfilling prophecy as I lash out

A sip of Remy

I'm afraid of what's happening.  It's Sunday night and all weekend long I haven't been able to shake a bit of a confrontation with a co-worker last week. Maybe confrontation is too strong of a word. Really what happened is he was being a control freak and overstepping his boundaries into my role and I had to set him straight. 

Last week was just overwhelming in general. Earlier in the week we had two all day workshops and they were so mentally exhausting I debated taking a vacation day following. And so that Wednesday was already tough enough and that interaction  was not what I needed. 

But really what I'm afraid of is that this stress is following me out of the office and into my home. In the past I've been really good about compartmentalizing my life. In this case, work was work. I only thought about, spoke about, stressed about work when I was at work. 

If I wasn't being paid for the work, I wouldn't even think about it. But lately this is the 3rd time the stress has followed me home and it's irking me even more because I really do not want to morph into my co-workers. There are people who you can tell this is their life by how stressed they get. 

Truth be told. It's never that serious. I'm not saving lives so what I'm doing isn't to cause that much stress. What isn't done today can get done tomorrow. 

But I still feel it within me, the stress of my next interaction and the fear that as I grow into my 30s, I'm losing sight of the vitality, the liveliness I had not too long ago.

Has my life become that fcuking boring that this type of shit gets underneath my skin?! 

It can't be time for another life crisis. 

I think I deserve at least another 2 years, let me hit 30 before I see the life I'm shifting into.

Now let me take a sip of Remy to calm my nerves.

Ignored

Probably the worst thing you can do in terms of communication with me is to ignore me. Ignoring me says you don't give a shit about what I have to say and you may just not give a shit about me. 

I went to an event last weekend. I invited this guy I've known. The day before he gives me a heads up that he'll be late. The event comes and goes, no word. I reach out to him. Dead air silence. Again I shoot off a text, something sly and sarcastic, nothing. 

I think back to all the times I've been ignored. Heck to the times I've been blocked without warning, without even a slight smoke signal to alert me that hey something is going on.

Now I know it's really not THAT big of a deal. But it's like the person ignoring gets the power. It's like this person gets a chance to see how I will react. 

Now don't get me wrong. I've been in this place many a times before. So I know fully what not to do...and I've still done it...again...just not in this moment. 

Ideally, I'd step back from the situation to understand why I want this person to communicate with me and what would happen if worst case they didn't.

And when I ask myself these questions, in this scenario, with this particular person, it comes to what he represents to me. He's the guy I could never have. The guy who in high school wouldn't look my way. The guy who in college didn't desire me. He embodies a trigger of full blown insecurity within me. When I step away and have 0 expectations from him, I'm good, great actually, no anxiety. But when I'm right up on him, when I'm sitting with my feelings, I start having expectations and I crumble.

At this point it's about frontin' as if I'm what I was before the feelings.

So I shot him off one last text saying I know what this is, and I know you'll be texting me at 1am next year.

More work to do.