The Purge

Purging him out of my system has been hard to say the least. I’m on week 4 of the release. February 3rd was the last time he and I spoke. The day before, we sat across from one another, me trying to get the answers from him I already knew. Him, deflecting, upon being reminded this was a conversation about closure and not us continuing to date, he questioned why we were having the conversation at all. Again, a reminder that he’s never listened to my words as I had let him know days prior the intention of the conversation.

Closure. The closure would have been nicer when my feelings weren’t involved. I learned yesterday that I hired him for a job in which he never applied and wasn’t qualified. I positioned myself as his girlfriend, giving him girlfriend and even wife benefits all without him needing to give me much more than some attention here or there.

Flashback. I told him he’d have to cut off every other girl he was dating or no longer date me. He said I don’t want to lose you. It’s been 3 weeks and I haven’t received a text, a call, a carrier pigeon. I wonder, did I ever mean anything to him? Or was I merely another woman on his list? That part stings.

God. My sole focus lately has been God, for only He can provide me all that I need.

Validation. I sought validation from Jason. I wanted to feel enough. But it should have never been on him to carry that burden.

Feelings. My Feeling. My feelings are MY feelings, to own, to protect, to nurture, to listen to, to take care of. That’s why God put parameters in place, to keep my feelings safe. To keep me safe. Because as I’ve lived outside these parameters, my heart, my soul, my mind hasn’t been safe.

I’ve physiologically had to get him out of my system. And I wanted so bad to be able to convey to Jason just how much I was hurt. I asked him, “do you not believe me when I tell you I’m hurt?” He replied that he did. But then why didn’t his actions adjust.

Morals. He and I had a different moral code. I could never string along a man who was more into me than him. I trust my feelings. So if I’m not feeling it right away, I know I never will. I don’t know if Jason hoped I’d grow onto him but I felt like if I stayed around long enough he’d see what I couldn’t at the time. Which was how truly amazing of a woman I am and how much of a gift I’d be to any man who was lucky enough to be given my time, my energy, my consideration.

So it’s week 4 and I’m finally starting to feel noticeably better. I’ve prayed that God show me what else I need to do to finally purge him out of my system and I know, soon, he’ll be gone.

A Month into My New Job

It's been a month since I left my job and I feel fucking amazing. I'm still in this transition period of leaving behind something that was so familiar into the unknown. I spent 6 years at that job and much of it I questioned my value, the days I sat with my co-worker listing pros and cons and trying my best to not accept the mediocrity as my destiny. As my work environment became toxic it was clear it was time to go. 

God had me all along. 

I had applied to a job earlier in the year, got the interview, and didn't get the job. Initially I was confident I'd get the job. The job posting and my current work aligned so well. I envisioned what leaving would really look like and went through the surprising sadness I would have for leaving behind certain coworkers. And then, when I didn't get the job, I had mixed feelings. I was disappointed for about a day, thought to myself "welp hey at least I still have a job, if not this, then better," I quickly moved on.

Then shit started getting progressively worse with certain individuals at my job. They questioned how many hours I was working. Seriously though, if you're focused on your job, you wouldn't have the time to worry about me. So who really wasn't working their hours....? It was clear that the 2 particular people felt a way about my role and just as I was going to confront each of them, I got the job offer. And it was "fuck this shit!" that shouted from the belly of my mind.

It was winning the job lottery. The job that initially turned me down, came back and say hey actually we have another opening, are you open to it? Here I was having jotted down so many times what my ideal working environment would be and I was given just that. I stated over and over I wanted to make a specific dollar amount and when the recruiter stated to me the amount, I was stunned. I can't recall the last time I was so...damn can't even find the words. I was elated and grateful.

Grateful to get the fcuk out of that environment and to finally receive what I knew I deserved. 

Now having been with my new company for a month, I have enjoyed it. I spent the first week in shock and in imposter syndrome - a foreign concept to me. I had always gone after what I deserved and at some point would achieve it but this was the first time where I started to get paranoid. A job that pays me well, short commute, great coworkers, great benefits, and free lunch EVERYDAY. What's the catch I wondered. Where is it, what is it and how will I manage it? Was I really good enough to do this work?

Sure, with anything in life there's going to be things I don't necessarily care for. But maybe it doesn't have to be this dramatic thing. There's so much positive, it's like I'm wired to believe that there has to be negative to balance it out. But I'm choosing to ride this wave of positivity as long as I can because this 5-minute commute has me on Cloud 9. Much of time was spent surviving my last job, now it's time to thrive.

Maybe I Want to be Alone

I'm always stuck on trying to be perfect. I had this awakening in my dating life happen surrounding feminine and masculine energy. Turns out... I can't approach dating as I do my career and wow has my career been amazing. I'd like to side track for a moment.

I've just started a new position with a new company and the perks thus far are beyond amazing. I'm reminded of the time I wrote out what my ideal workplace would look like. (I really want to find that journal entry!) And how much it feels like my career is aligning to this. My drive is very close, co-workers are collaborative and energetic, open workspaces, great pay, heck free lunch! I'm so amazed and grateful. The job I had before this was literally in preparation for this role. It amazes me to think back on. I put it out to God and the Universe what amount of money I wanted to making within 2 years and the offer came in with that EXACT amount, dopest feeling ever.

As I focus on all that positive energy it's helping to move me away from my original point but back to it.

Idk if I'll ever get dating right. Even with the tools I have now and the lessons to lean back, it's like I try these efforts with this guy but still find myself beating myself up when I can't get it right. Then I think to myself I want a new guy but the main driver is to test if I can be perfect for the next one.

I have no fucking clue how to relax around a guy I'm interested in. I think I've bought into the idea that I'll be alone because I've been given strategies of what to do with the masculine - anxious, overanalyzing, doing energy and that's to turn and put it back on to me to use it productively yet I choose to sit in my over analysis, crying, frustrated.

But damnit he stays on my mind and it's like I'm caught up in the masculine energy right now. I feel like this is how I am though, why have I subscribed to the negative parts of myself as being who I am authentically? Why does it feel uncomfortable being told I am deserving of a man treating me like a prize. Why tfcuk is that so uncomfortable?

It's like I feel like I HAVE to work for a relationship - that being in my feminine energy is too fcuking passive. But damnit...what I have been doing has not been working. And I want to tell him to never contact me again because I feel like he will never contact me again anyway.