This year, I’ve dedicated space to address my emotional unavailability. Over the years I have consistently gravitated towards emotionally unavailable men, at the time unaware of this pattern.

 The guy who was fresh out a relationship, the guy who told me upfront that he was difficult and the guy who moved back and forth between his feelings about me.

Last night, I succumbed to a moment of weakness and looked at his Instagram. What I feared, was there. A new relationship.

Surprisingly, it didn’t hit me as hard as I thought. It was the answer to the question that kept swirling in my mind for the last few nights. The question of whether I should sustain any sort of communication with him.

Backstory: this is a guy I’ve known forever and a day. Our interaction began with me being into him without reciprocation and then a year later vice versa. We’ve played this back and forth game for so many years and at one point I thought well maybe he’s the one I’ll ultimately end up with. Maybe the reason I keep coming back to him after shit hits the fan with someone else is because I’m meant to be with him right? Nope.

I think his time in my life has long expired.

I see relationships as how can this be useful to me?

If I feel I get nothing from the interaction, why waste my time?

And this time I was grappling with if I could just be friends with him. Could I listen to him talk about being with someone else and be neutral?

I knew I couldn’t but I felt it was petty. I felt it was petty to be unable to be neutral with him.

I’m learning that my feelings are not petty. Actions can be, but not feelings.

So, I’m letting him go and now I just feel relief. From the little bit of information I can see she’s a better fit for him anyway at least at the surface.

It just feels good to finally get rid of the last person that was causing such emotional chaos and to bring the attention back to myself.

My First Home Purchase

Ah yes it's been awhile, almost 2 months to be exact and so much has occurred. First and best foremost, I bought a home! The journey of escrow was more trying mentally than I could have anticipated and there were many a times I had to remind myself of the beauty that laid past the mistakes of my loan advisor.

But I'm here now, in my home, well not as I'm writing this but I'm all moved in and thankfully I have a father that is both retired and a handyman. The progress he has made has made my new place feel like a home that much sooner.

I'm still a little unsettled, waking at the slightest noise but I anticipate that will go away as I get more acclimated. A note about the move: it was the most efficient move I've had so far. Having moved in and out of the college dorms four times, each time seemingly taking longer than the previous year, I set my intention for that not to be the case with this move.

I gave myself 2 weeks of packing for 2 hours a night making sure that as soon as my friends and family came to help me move they would have nothing to pack. I was wrapping furniture and at one point tossing random things in boxes being as specific as possible with labeling and I think the colored tape system was a HUGE help.

One thing since moving though, I haven't been sleeping as much as I would like. Why? I'm up watching home décor videos. It's crazy how much I love this stuff. And finally having an office space opens up the possibilities for me to be that much more creative in my space.

I spend less time on the computer since I now have a big, fancy ass television. Do you know, I went in Costco intending to get a 45 inch and came out with a 55??? This is what happens when your dad is a TV fanatic and has a big ass TV himself *rolls eyes.* Oh welp, it's mounted now and I'm happy with my decision.

On another note, I've been thinking a lot lately about if it's "wrong" that I don't want to know anything further about my exes, well specifically about their love lives. I think it's because I don't want the reminder that things didn't work between us despite me no longer having the desire to be with them. Part of it feels petty and like it's coming from a place of possessiveness? In general it's not an issue but there's the one guy who I finally set a boundary and said no more intimacy unless we're going to be committed and now the question is can we truly just be friends? Can I listen to him with neutrality? Can he respect my boundary to not discuss a future between us unless he's ready to act on it?

It's not a daily distress seeing as he and I only speak at pivotal moments in our lives. His birthday, my birthday and right before the new year. I just don't know if him and I interacting at all is conducive to me living a peaceful life? I'm trying not to stress it but I suspect the random moments it comes up for me, he's thinking of me too.

Anyways, I'm putting my focus on my home and being mindful of my peace of mind.

What Made Him So Deserving?

Okay, I think I can say I've processed it. It no longer pains me to talk about. This guy came to visit me, well I thought to visit me but it turns out it was to use me in a sense. Initially after everything unfolded I just wanted to slap myself. My inner critic asked me how could I be so stupid, so naïve? How didn't I see this coming?

So ole dude came to visit, here I was getting my home ready, buying stuff, you'd think things were going somewhere with this guy the way I was trying to make him comfortable in my home. And now looking back, it's fcuk that. The priority is for me to be comfortable my own home because it's MY home.

The weekend starts off light, fun and casual, just as anticipated. Then as things got physical between he and I, my logic fell to the wayside, emotions took over and I started having expectations that weren't present at the start of the weekend. He came in on Thursday and by the time Saturday evening hit, I was exhausted, in tears, having lost some of my dignity.

We went to an event, him, his friend, me and my friend. And what I thought would be bonding time between he and I turned into him and his friend paired off most likely pursuing other women while I tried to keep calm with my friend. It was just mess and I'm not going into much detail because I come out looking like a fool in the end.

What gets me the most is how could I let such a foul person into my home? That is supposed to be my sanctuary and I damn sure wasn't acting like it by not thinking much about his intentions staying at my home with me. It's just a lesson I feel like I've learned before with a different character - this guy being the most disregarding person I've experienced. At times, I felt he didn't see me as a person with emotions but just something convenient.

Gotta watch out for these dudes who have never been to LA. I forget how fascinated some people are with this city because I'm born and raised here. And unfortunately in this situation I overlooked that detail within him.

I moved through the phases of anxiety and sadness. Spoke with my therapist. Listened to countless episodes of The Baggage Reclaim podcast specifically the Why Did We Break Up episodes so I could feel less shitty about the decisions I had made. And the last thing that closed things for me was a reminder from Crissle on The Read (another podcast I enjoy!), that not everyone is deserving of what you have to offer and you have to regard people with the same treatment they regard you with. In this case, I suspect had I came to visit this guy, he wouldn't have done half the courtesies I granted him. He wouldn't think twice about certain things.

Which made me wonder, why did I give someone a privilege who hadn't earned it?? Why in the hell did I allow someone who is nothing to have any of my time or energy? Two precious things given and taken for granted.

At this point, I take full responsibility for my mistakes, not excusing him of his behavior but you know what, one of my goals this year was to clear away my emotional unavailability. So I suspect that by interacting with someone so emotionally unavailable this one instance is going to help expose the very same emotional unavailability within myself that drew me to this person in the first place.

It hasn't been a pretty unfolding of the lessons from this situation. A key take away has been to establish boundaries. The casual flings, maybe I'm not equipped for them or I need to adjust my expectations such that I don't put so much effort into them. Mm to be honest casual flings have been a way for me to avoid commitment and avoid getting hurt but the hurt inevitably comes and then I beat myself up for being affected by someone who is a speck in my life journey.

I know I'm making progress though and I think this experience was the final straw for me in terms of choosing emotionally unavailable men. It's an ongoing process and I may mess up again a time or two but the beauty in these emotionally painful situations is that it causes me to really appreciate those who do care for me.